#*@& Dog!!!

That bleeping dog stole and ate an entire bag of my kids' valentine giveaways. 11oz of chocolate will not seriously harm an 84-pound dog, but I am vexed just the same.

Said chocolate were those mini bags of m&ms. Acme had 'em on sale, two for $5, and I considered myself lucky to grab two of the last three bags. Needing 33 bags, I knew I'd only have a few to spare once everything was assembled for V-Day distribution.

Then this bleeping dog eats an entire bag. Well, not the entire bag. She left two puny packs of candy behind. Drooled upon, of course. Out of the 17 mini bags she consumed, I can only find seven of the wrappers. I imagine I'll be scooping those off the lawn in the coming days.

Who am I kidding? I probably won't scoop them until April.

All this evening she's been trying to snitch and steal food. I keep catching her daintily picking at things with her front teeth: The trash can liner, the lid to her dog food box, wuzzles on the floor, even the corner of the cake pan I used for the crumb cake I just baked and can't wait until it cools so I can eat a piece because it's utterly divine. Yep. She boldly nibbled the corner of that pan, and I was sitting right there shaping crumb-cake crumbs. Normally she's a big sneak, waiting until we leave the room. She doesn't even slink onto the sofa until we're in bed.

I wonder if my dog has a tapeworm. Or Pica.

Whatever it is, part of me secretly hopes those wrappers hurt coming out. Not that she'd make a connection or anything.